The Infinite Days I Let You Go

The Infinite Days I Let You Go

By Keziah

“LOVE” is a hard to define word when you soulfully feel it. By means of that you advocate, of course strongly feel about it, and breathe it. I am not talking of love for family or love for neighbors and friends. I am talking about the love that is hard to define because the very “thought of him” cripples you. And there it is…the amore love towards the opposite.

The very consideration of whom we are going to (CODE NAME: Mr. Guess who?), the very consideration of “Mr. Guess who” in your mind just doesn’t want to let go of you. At this point, I am going to address my readers to note: that all of us have been in this jam sometime or another. And you can’t lie to yourself either! Your heart knows it all too well and you can’t avert this blissful “love” feeling from happening.

Feelings

I, in this matter, have experienced it and familiarize the scene very much. Now you are feeling depressed, emotional, cranky (not the time of the month cranky-just cranky!), loss of appetite or excessive eating habits (which the latter one happens to me), need a huge bear hug (imagining from him), crying spells, easily distracted, bored (hoping for him to resolutely take you away), and staring into blank space.  

I Wonder

Since it is not very uncommon to have a crush on someone. Liking someone (keep those thumbs up in social media), all of us do this. While it is not nonsense, I wonder how does each individual situation progress further into a relationship? What is the core of it? What would happen to your love, your perhaps first love? – Would it last long? Or is it another phase in life too seriously reconsider?

Even if it is your first love, would you soar like an eagle leaving what you have known that makes you happy and explore the world solo? Or stick to it hoping you see the light at the end of the tunnel and let it be the guide of your struggles and redefine your attitude towards your everyday challenges? Two heads are better than one as some say! I would not know the answer to these questions yet for I am living it right now and the story is far from over.

My Would-Be Prince Charming

In my life, I have found my own involvement (in love) with the other. I have been liking this “Mr. Guess Who” of mine after 5 months moving back into sunny California from Georgia. The first time I met him was in the summer of 2003 when we had a church event at Long Beach.  I was enamored by his beauty and his gorgeous light blue eyes and blonde hair due to that fact that his name was lost until I found it again in later mentions. If he was Korean he would be in a K pop band so I thought at that age. I was kind of being conceited about myself which was truly outrageous. Being the fact he’s underage. That he doesn’t know how old I am. He was roughly I can guess 19 but I was already 22.

“Too bad he is just a little chick”, I say to myself with confidence. That I still got it even though I fooled him as to how old I really am.

Right there and then I know I like him.

It was a 3-day event. I and my three friends sat by his family all 3 days. I was so nervous the half of the second day I don’t think I took notes or listen to the program. If there was a pillow I would have fallen asleep on my chair.

“But please don’t, I want to set a good example”, I said to myself.

 I don’t know if it was the “admiration” of him standing up that made me want to disappear during the session by just forgetting everything right there and then while he entertained his baby sister and cater to her needs or the fear that I might never see him again that made me just want to sleep and forget because deep inside of me better known after 1 day from now that I have forgotten his name but won’t forget his face.

Every time he must leave from his seat and take care of his baby sister, I look his way. I had the urge to stand up and help him and follow him but (I need to have self-control and contain myself).

The last day finally came, I was feeling exhausted. His face, demeanor, movement that you can tell he has a kind heart had an imprint in my memory. But little did I know he will surpass all that beyond my dreams I was a celebrity in his eyes, and he was my paparazzi. Could it be my beauty how it fooled him into thinking I was not that old? Or my shyness (blushing) finally emerged and there was no way of concealing it that I was subordinate to his manliness?

A Sad Comeback

Little did I know he would show up back in my life but not in a pleasant way. You see sometimes when you love someone there are certain factors that can erode you from that love and think, oh well, I probably will not see him again. Dreadfully came true. These things that are about to happen from then on are like hit and miss. Love-hate crush. We’re just (a little bit) friends but I like you, girl/boy phase. The eyes like to see, but façade feelings don’t. Because it is still pretense that I will not like that boy.

But rewind. Before that really happened, after 4 years later it was truly a sad comeback indeed. He probably thought I don’t remember him. Which was true. I did not recognize him. In fact, I did not even really like him at all! He changed so much to the point I did not recognize him.

He himself too had other factors eroding himself from that love that he has known and he found another and later he asks the question to his beloved… love. One that will change his life and mine forever knowing it was not me.

Will You Marry Me?

“It was a night at the beach when he proposes to her”, according to a friend who personally relates it. He made a painting of his beloved and he sang to her and asks her to marry him. The way that one person described the proposal in my thoughts was just like out of a fairytale book. By this time, I want to protest being not in a kind way by lashing out and kill the messenger run away and start crying. And this all happened when they were sitting beside us during lunch.

Congratulations Are in Order

I said my congratulations to them.

But I don’t know what has gotten in to me as I was congratulating them I did not even look at her and he was sitting down trying to chew his already bitten part of the sandwich that I can feel my eyes dilated and grew big and stared at his for 3 seconds (might have been as I can recall) because he was dilated too! Then tears started to well up I pretended to smile and added, “I am happy for you both” all the while shutting my eyes from the enormous reveal- (of do you remember me? And that I like you) look?

I rushed to the bathroom…

I want to cry but forgot how. There are no words that can describe how agonizing it felt. It felt like time moved forward and I imagined that I am going to be alone and old and wrinkly and nobody to love me. I felt soooooo lonely knowing that all my family approved of them together (what can they do?) and my mom might disregard my feelings of hurt and resentment that my mom won’t love me at that moment enough to pacify my pain because I need it.

Worse I probably just said to his future in law what I felt for him while she was in the bathroom stall. While I was self-affirming myself not to cry and not get vindictive and remorseful of their decision. What can I do? I say, there’s no point crying over spilled milk.

Bitter-Sweet; Hanged Ending

So, where to now? To tell you the truth I don’t know what to type right now right at this moment. Remember the statement of the above paragraph, “These things that are about to happen from then on are like hit and miss. Love-hate crush. We’re just (a little bit) friends but I like you, girl/boy phase. The eyes like to see, but façade feelings don’t. Because it is still pretense that I will not like that boy?”

This is the phase we are at. I told myself, I want to give up. But I can’t! I just can’t! After all these years, I still like him. I, on the other hand, has seen the end of the day faster because I gained weight enormously. He doesn’t want me anymore. I can feel it. Come on! Who am I kidding? From when we met I was only 22 now I am 34. Who knows he might find another mate along the way in the journey of his life because he did after they broke off the wedding.

I have gained confidence that no matter who he loves in his life I am content that I was in it in the sidelines looking patiently waiting if he might look at my way again or at least communicate to me telling me he felt “us” like we did when we met when we were young.